SECRET SANTA

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Jane sat perched on the edge of the inkless photocopier deep in thought. The very same photocopier she knew that tonight a paralytic idiot. (Jimmy from HR) would try to make use of to scan their backside on. In an extremely poor attempt at some sort of Christmas office party humour.

She looked across at Jimmy as he sat at his desk perusing the football results on his laptop. His nickname was Jimmy the Hand as he was always attempting to put his grubby paws where they were not wanted by the women in the office. That’s the fifth doughnut he’s stuffed into his big fat gob she thought. The way he’s going a 3d printer would be hard pressed to reproduce his arse let alone a Photocopier.

She sighed as she dismounted the photocopier and walked over to her desk. Glancing at the clock as she did so. 4 more hours and then no more work. Oh Yes!

Then The Office party would begin. Oh No!

 

Time passed the way time does when trapped in a grey damp building you detest in a job you hate, with people you loathe.

But then!

Ho Ho Ho ! Came a wheezing attempt at Santa’s belly laugh from the Santa suited guy who leant against the door to the office hardly able to stand.

Jane rolled her eyes and sighed as poor old Johnson (poor as he had spent most of his life working for the company) from PR staggered in obviously attempting to spread some Christmas spirit into the dank, dark office. Sadly, the only spirit he spread through the office came in the fetid stench of his inebriated breath which wafted around the room as Christmassy as an old uncle’s farts after a substantial portion of Christmas pudding and brandy butter.

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‘So..Who is going to start off the Secret Santa this year’ he bellowed as he held on to the nearest desk for dear life.’

‘Well let’s get this over with’ said Daren from accounts in a very tired voice.

Everyone gathered round and proceeded to pass out their Secret Santa presents to the lucky recipients whose names they had drawn from a hat the week previously.

Jane opened her present and looked at the cheap perfume she’d been given which probably smelt similar to old Johnson. She could always save it for next years Secret Santa though.

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Jimmy was the last to open his present and looked at it dumbfounded. He then let out a huge laugh.

‘I don’t know which one of you fools bought me this but actually it’s bloody brilliant and I’m guessing whoever did is desperate to see my Christmas party trick.’

‘Oh, not now Jim’ said Dawn from Health and Safety. ‘Wait until the party gets going, eh?’

‘Yea alright’ Jimmy mumbled. ‘Later’

He put down his Secret Santa present on his desk and opened a can of beer and shouted.

‘Let’s get this fucking party started!’

‘I’m off not my cup of tea these office parties’ Jane said as she grabbed her coat and went to leave.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Jimmy with his present walking over to the photocopier.

‘Bollocks to waiting’ he slurred already half pissed.

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He inserted his gift, a large ink cartridge into the now fully inked photocopier and proceeded to drop his trousers.

Jane sighed and left the office slowly making her way down the corridor towards the exit.

As she reached for the door handle the words fucking hell it’s on fire, followed by the loudest scream she’d ever heard echoed throughout the building.

Nonplussed she left the building with screaming still coming from the office.

 

Who would have thought that you could build a small incendiary device into an inkjet cartridge she thought to herself? Only on YouTube!

Happy Christmas Jimmy she whispered, to no one in particular.